I had recently written a blog post on what I
see is a clash between individualism and the rubric of Indian society. (http://om-marathe.blogspot.com/2019/01/marriage-children-getting-married.html)
The post described what to my mind seems to
be an overbearing influence of society on some intimately personal choices,
those relating to getting married and having children.
I shared this post on Facebook, where it aroused
much debate, with many professing both publicly and privately to me that the
post captivated what they have felt all along.
It was in response, or should I say a rebuke
of this viewpoint of mine, that my cousin and Mumbai based businesswoman Vaijayanti
Kaigaonkar penned a long letter offering not just a counter narrative, but many
of her own insights on marriage and children.
It is only fitting, that in keeping with
democratic tradition, the readers of this blog also get to read this
counter-view, and have a chance to induce from our two views what suits them
the most.
By Vaijayanti Kaigaonkar:
DISCLAIMER
It is
undeniable that every individual has the right to pursue happiness as they see
fit, this right includes the right to not marry, the right to choose when, how
and whom to marry as well as the decision to have or not have children. My
argument is not about laws but about what I see as potential best-practices
based on my experiences and observations. The points that I mention are for
people to pursue on their own, and definitely not for parents or society to
force it upon them. So in no way do I endorse interference or pushiness on the
part of controlling parents, that is and will remain a problematic part of our
culture. At the same time, there are several benefits to conform to the
traditional marriage-procreation timeline if freely chosen by both parties
involved and that is the thought that I intend to elaborate on.
Following are my views endorsing: the
traditional societal parameters of marriage, the right time for it, having
children (and the right time for it too), even at the risk of sounding like a
boring old aunty! :)
Firstly, as Sadhguru says, marriages are not
made in heaven and there is nothing divine about them, it is but a human
arrangement, a convenient and practical arrangement to fulfill human
needs; sexual, emotional and mental (of companionship). Not that I deride love,
love is the most beautiful emotion indeed, but it thrives on the above. It is
interesting to note that this institution evolved independently across the
globe into an almost similar format. By and large we can conclude that this
institution is the best available arrangement after thousands of years of trial
and errors across the globe.
Why marry
For emotional sexual and mental reasons, of
course. But that is possible even without making it legit. Making marriage
legitimate gives emotional security; such a person will certainly be more
productive , more stable, more at ease
As a child, one only has emotional and mental
needs, which can be fulfilled by family and friends, as soon as a child comes
of age, sexual needs begin. Ideally, as it was earlier times , marriage should
happen at that age. In that sense older cultures were more forward thinking in
recognising their children’s sexual needs...
No, i do not endorse child marriage ! But
just looking at the merits of the system. Earlier, the age for mental and
physical maturity was matching. And so it worked.
Now there is a gap, physical development happens earlier but mental
takes time, because education and dependency on parents goes on longer. Now we
can say that mental maturity in general is when a person starts to make his own
living. So, according to this logic, in today’s time, the ideal age to get
married would be soon after one is independent and makes their own living,
roughly in the twenties.
Yet, how can one be sure of finding the right person at just that time?
Well by right time, i do not mean the same
month or year that you get your first job. But 2-3 years after you are
independent.
Is that too short a period to find the right
person? Certainly not.
Like I have said earlier, marriage is a human
arrangement; then finding the most suitable partner if one searches in an
organised manner using so much communication technology should not be difficult
in 2 years at all!
Arranged marriage
Its fashionable for the intellengia to frown
upon arranged marriage. But if a person does not meet his or her right partner
in college, at work, how long should he/she wait? Why not work towards it?
Officially using the help of your parents. If we don’t shy away if our friends
set us up with someone, then what is so uncool if our parents set us up?
As long as there is no compulsion and
complete freedom to choose, I feel the modern arranged marriage system in india
is simply the best! Basically it is a blind date, where your date has been put
together by your parents (the people who love and care for you the most, who
know you best, who wish only the best for you and yes, who know life a bit
better). Background checks are fully done by the elders so you don’t have to
kill the romance by playing detective once you are into it.
An Italian woman i met a while ago, putting
it very nicely, said "It is so good that Indian parents take
responsibility of finding a partner for their child, our parents leave us to
our means." (She is financially stable, 30 plus, lonely, looking for a partner
but there isn’t any established system like ours that she can go to, simply
waiting for cupid to strike at his convenience.)
When i was 22, my parents started the hunt, and i asked them- “What’s
the hurry, why not wait till i come across someone naturally? Why should I
compromise into an arranged marriage?” That is when my mother retorted, “In
fact what you now intend to do, i.e. wait to meet someone randomly, is a
compromise! Why do you want to compromise by considering such limited options?
Here I am offering you the opportunity to explore options from beyond your line
of work and beyond your city!”
Among other factors, arranged marriages also matches other
considerations- financial, social status, intelligence ,looks... so even though
that may seem unromantic it is very practical.
When there is a major mismatch in any of
these, it breeds insecurity in the weaker partner, eventually becoming a bone
of contention in an argument.
So according to me, if one doesn’t get lucky
in finding a partner in college or in the first few years of work, one must
actively participate in the arranged marriage search. Most would surely find
their right person in 2-3 years.
Of course, there are all sorts of exceptions
but what I mean is by and large.
Our ancestors understood this and put it in
writing, they gave us the recommended 4 stages of life- student, householder,
retired, and ascetic.
Now this of course cannot be a law but only a
recommendation for societal structure and well being.
To take it forward, either every parent must
explain it to their child in such detail, but it isn’t possible for those with
limited intellectual means and thus to enforce it, it became a social
norm and then social pressure.
Marriage and love
I have repeatedly called marriage a human
arrangement, but what about love?
When the elders say, get married to the right
person , and love will happen later... yes it is true. And this love (based on
matching partners, commitment, and years of togetherness) is far deeper
than teenage college love (which is based on mere attraction).
As they say, never get between arguments
between a husband and wife (even if they fight or complain, what they share
is very deep and intense), and eventually the outsider becomes the villain.
Single people of marriageable age
If you observe , singles in their late
twenties and onwards spend a lot of time trying to show how much fun they are
having being single.
Really? I see them being constantly on the
lookout for that special someone... or stepping out every night looking for
sex. One night stands, casual link ups are not as easy nor practical in reality
as they appear in movies (surely not for average looking people).
So much preoccupation must be affecting
career focus and productivity, I would assume.
Where as a married person steps out to just
have fun without any other agenda, knowing that he/she can get back home for
sex or a real conversation.
Children
Passing your genes forward is a biological instinct. Simply a means for
survival of species and an attempt at immortality. This is biological, it is
wired into us. Every parent will agree that it pleases them so much when
someone says, “Oh, your child looks just like you!”. It is even better than
hearing “your child looks like Aishwarya or Hrithik”.
Animals simply do it for survival of species, humans have gone further,
they expect their children to fulfill their unfinished aspirations!
Very unfair but a reality.
Sure we have evolved, we are overpopulating the planet, we have taken
things into our own hands, we don’t allow nature to correct the balance of
numbers. We certainly can do with many people choosing to not have kids. It is
definitely better for the planet. It is also a good choice if the parents do
not have resources to raise a child. I completely agree and respect people who
make this choice. But what about the biological wiring? It is a brave and
bold decision, but it may manifest later in a psychological manner. The number
of people who are choosing to do so are few, and mostly are still young, but it
might just give rise to a brand new psychological problem in the near future.
Having children on time
Yes, now a days women are having children
even till they turn 60. But is it ideal? I don’t think so. Having a child
(pregnancy and delivery) is the smallest part... that is possible at any age
thanks to science. But is it easy? No.
Conception is harder as you get older, a man
and a woman’s reproductive health deteriorates with age, and so does the
frequency of sex. Couples are simply not as sexually active later, as they were
in their twenties or thirties. And when there is effort and planning to
conceive, that is the end of a healthy sex life. Many couples become distanced
from each other when they have to struggle to have babies.
Raising a child requires physical energy,
sleepless nights, running around with them, keeping pace with their energy and
excitement of doing things. It’s just harder when you are older.
The generation gap! It gets amplified when the difference is more.
Children and parents find it even harder to understand and relate to each
other.
Of course, to all of the above there will be exceptions and unusual situations.
But to everyone in general, do marry, marry in your twenties, have kids, have
them on time. Don’t compromise into a love marriage (if it feels like that), do
explore arranged marriage options.
The basic gyaan all elders give, but with
lots of explanation :) !!
